dy-uh-BEET-us

When you become preggers and are taking a distinctly non-holistic route to getting the little booger out of you, you go to your OB/GYN about once a month until the magic time of around 32 weeks, when you get to go BI-monthly. (what fun!) Just before that happens, at 28 weeks, you take a test that monitors your blood sugar levels, to see if you might have gestational diabetes. This test involves drinking what tastes like Tang with craploads of sugar added, then waiting an hour and letting them stick a needle in your arm and draw blood. If the blood sugar level is high, you get to come back again and take a three-hour test, where you drink that god-awful beverage again, then let them stick you FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES to get blood. Do they put in an IV for this test? Of course not. You get to leave with a total of FIVE holes in your arms (four from the three-hour test and the one from the initial test). And since the gods really dislike you, you're stuck in the waiting room of LabCorp, along with everyone having drug tests. The bathroom there has no soap, and the back of the toilet is taped down like they're expecting Michael Corleone to stop by. And the magazine selection is limited to Men's Health and two-month old issues of Newsweek.

Well, kids, I've got the dy-uh-BEET-us.

I went to a class yesterday for TWO AND A HALF HOURS and got the poop on just what all this means. I could have a HUGE baby. I will probably (50% increased chance) get type 2 diabetes in the future. I can't eat chocolate for the duration of the pregnancy. It's a special kind of hell.

But ever the optimist (heh heh) I decided that this might be a good jump-start to healthier eating. But I was wrong. The diet I have to follow is like Atkin's on crack. It's all protein and fat. Lots of fat. Fast food is okay (just watch the buns and breading!) and microwave popcorn, movie theater butter lover's is okay. I'm sure that straight lard would be fine too, if I had the inclination to eat it. Why? Because fat doesn't do that much to your blood sugar.

So my daily routine goes something like this: wake up and pee on a piece of paper. (I have to measure my ketones to make sure that I'm not burning too much fat) Then prick finger and test blood sugar. Eat. Two hours later, test again. Eat snack. Eat lunch. Two hours later, test. Eat snack. Eat dinner. Two hours later, test. Eat snack. Go to bed and make sure not to sleep more than 9 hours.

The only perk to all this? I can eat as much sugar-free jell-o as I can stand.